Romantic Love: What It Is, And What It Isn’t

We all know (at least intellectually) that Valentine’s Day is a clever piece of marketing.

Yet, for many of us, it still stirs up deep feelings and expectations around romance, love, and relationships.  For some it creates pressure to make grand gestures to show their love. Others may struggle with the disappointment that grand gestures are not forthcoming. And for many – it brings up the longings for love that once was or has yet to come.

What I have learned over the years is that when our expectations don’t align with reality, we can get stuck. Our fantasies about love and relationships are complex and nuanced, and let’s face it, they are not always shared by our partners.

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel has written extensively about the unrealistic expectations we place on romantic relationships.  Namely, that one person (our partner) is supposed to meet all of our practical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual and romantic needs.  That’s an impossible standard and an exhausting burden to place on any one relationship. What I think is sadder-  is that when we buy into this mindset, we can overlook and diminish the value of all the other meaningful relationships in our lives. Including the most important of all relationships, that which we have with ourselves.

I often see single men and women in therapy longing for love and connection, forgetting that deep, fulfilling relationships can also be found in friendships, family, and community.

Until romantic love comes along, focus on building your “team”.  Surround yourself, with people who affirm you, support you and cheer you on. This isn’t a consolation prize; it’s a jackpot in its own right and will help bring you closer to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

So, whether you were partnered or single, take a moment to appreciate all the love in your life.

Express Gratitude Daily: Let the people who matter to you know how much you appreciate them.

Make Time For Connection: Invest in friendships and build a supportive community.

Nurture Self-Love: Prioritise self-care and invest in your relationship and connection to self. Treat yourself with the kindness and love you desire from a romantic partner.

Small Things Often: Relationship experts Julie and John Gottman emphasise, love is characterised by much more than grand gestures. It is nurtured and sustained through consistent, everyday expressions of kindness, care and connection. Simple gestures matter – whether it’s a heartfelt compliment, a thoughtful act of service, a small gift or token of appreciation, a warm hug, or simply spending quality time together. These seemingly simple (but consistent) gestures help create deep, meaningful emotional bonds and strengthen relationships over time.